Busy Winter

Seriously, busy. Ridiculously busy. There's been DAP stuff, of course. I'm still going in a couple of mornings a week. And Naropa stuff. I have two sections this semester. And Dorothy stuff, although I've been largely ignoring that stuff for a while. And mostly there's been interviewing stuff, which feels like it has consumed the last few months of my life. Some of this has been interesting and useful for me, as a person, as a writer, etc. Some of it, though, has been upsetting if not plain ol bewildering . . . and I find myself sort of spiritually at a crossroads. I seriously dislike presenting myself as a CV, as a series of accomplishments or (depending on who is examining it/me) a failure to accomplish. It's icky. It has little to do with who I am or how I feel about writing. And the worst of it is that I have had no time to write, which would connect me back somehow to what in all of this matters to me in the first place. Or once mattered. I hope it still does. I mean, I hope it still matters to me. On a whole other level: does it matter to anyone else? Yeah, so, a little lost. Of course I'm aware that this isn't just about writing or job-seeking. Having a kid disrupts everything. Everything. I know I need to be doing yoga and meditation, but when? I know I need to be writing and reading, but when. I know I need to be getting together with friends, but when? It doesn't help that the weather has been horrible. The older I get, the more clear I become to myself, the more I realize I need to live somewhere beautiful and temperate. N E E D. When we visited SoCal for my visiting writer thing in December, I was immediately a happier person. So, well, add that to the list of things to figure out.

Meanwhile, Elijah is certainly the light of my life right now. He astonishes me. He is so totally and utterly lovable. And he's also a bit of a stinker lately. But, oh well, I'm sort of a stinker lately too. He says so much. He seems to notice and understand everything. He is really into his friend Anton right now. At least in theory . . . he talks about Anton and likes to look at Anton's pictures and when I asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday he said he wanted Anton to come over and play and take a bath and share Rubber Duckie. But when push comes to shove (and it often does with two-year-olds) he mostly plays independently even when Anton is there to play with. In general, E seems to be a bit shy, even a little shier than some of the other kids he is around so often (at day care, for example). Or am I just nervous and imagining this? The exception to it is: cousins. Holy crap does that kid love each and every one of his cousins, all five of whom are WONDERFUL with him: loving, fun, generous, careful. He talks about each of them every day. But when I got to pick him up at day care (which he loves! loves Miss Tina) he is usually off on his own. One day I saw him go up to another kid and that kid hit his arm pretty hard and E just held his arm and walked quietly away and it BROKE MY HEART. I'm teaching him to say "Please don't push me."

Mostly, though, he is a very happy kid. He loves trains, still, and trucks, still. Loves books. He is always pretending to be an animal. This morning he told me he was a blue octopus. He is often a pelican. He can sing the whole alphabet song and recognize pretty much all the letters and tell you words that start with those. And he's very careful with what he says. He conjugates all his verbs correctly, uses correct pronouns and prepositions, etc. In fact, I think he's a little fastidious in general. Kooky, yes, but neat. When anything is dirty he gets a little bugged out. He doesn't like to look at pictures of himself in which he is messy. Weirdo!

I wish I could think of the funny things he says to record here. I want to remember so many of them. Hmmm. I'll try to remember and post some soon. Look at that handsome boy! Oh, yeah, one thing is that since he stopped nursing he tells me he is a "big young man."



I'm off to Maine tomorrow for another interview. Whatever happens, I will be happy when interview season comes to a close this year. I'd like to try to pull myself back into focus. Collect myself together in one spot.